Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The 3 Unwise Men of the East

Keeping with holiday spirit, albeit belated, this is homage to smaller flashes in larger constellations.

THEY were the 3 unwise men of the east, pretending to be otherwise;
Ze En , who bore flowery syntax and dead pans,
Ze Kke who bore ancient lyrics and melancholy , and
Ze Munky who generally bored himself. Their song went like this ..

We three things of orient are,
Swearing wits, we traverse afar
Tap and fountain, moor and mountain
Seeking a perfect bar.....

Although if you watered Ze Kke enough, he might sing
Well, I got here following the southern star,
I crossed that river just to be where we are..

At which Ze Munky would panic, 'Where's my cloak..(temporary incoherence)..did you burn incense near it again..'

With his dead pan, Ze En said, 'Relax, man.Where are the camels heading though?Maybe we should call, and wake up the salamander and ask''.

Ze Munky would simply blink his pretty lashes, and giggle, hoping it would get him in the clear again and that he wouldn't have to, heaven forbid, think of directions. Yahoo maps were much later you see. 'He he he.I didn't listen to the candle, so no.He he he. That was funny.He he he.Everything's funny. He he. But we can always go to the next star and turn around...'

'Please shut up.' said Ze Kke. 'I think you should give me your cloak and ride my camel for me. It is the only reason we asked you to come along anyway.'

'Dont say that, da.' said Ze En. ' I love him. And I love you too. Didn't you get my card?' He kisses Ze Munky tenderly on the cheek, who winces, then blushes.

Through a cloud of incense smoke, Ze Kke excitedly said ' No da, I want spooning.I want to see some spooning also. Can we have some spooning?'

'Be calm, Ze Kke. This is what we will do, ' said Ze En. He proceeded to lift the horrified Ze Munky's cloak till the bare skin (gasp) of his back could be seen.On it, glowing in the moonlight, was a detailed, anal map....

Which is why there were digarette butts and empty water bottles found near the manger.

And the rest is herstory.On that note, season's beatings and happy cold beer.

Friday, December 23, 2005


Fact is stranger than fiction indeed...

Kerela has a political party known as the Democratic Indira Congress (Karunakaran) or DIC(K) for short.

I suspect the head of the party is known as the DIC(K) head.

The headline read " DIC(K) prevents UDP from joining local bodies".... !!!! Make of that what you will.

On a related political note, I saw the caption to a photo on the cover of a Bombay newspaper a few days ago that read "Thackarey ponders while his aides confabulate behind him".. was that a subversive reporter or just some schmuck using a big word?

(Confabulate: verb: 1. To chat. 2. To fill in gaps in one's memory with fabrications that one believes to be facts)

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Wenerd the slave master

Wenerd is my friend. He lives in Mumbai. He is a slave master and I am jealous of him.

I was in Mumbai this past weekend (Dec 17th - 20th) visiting Wenerd for a few days and then flew back down to Chennai with Zen. Wenerd promptly picked me up from the airport and shoved me into a taxi. He immediately started arguing with the taxi driver. This was when I first saw his slave master side.

(The following conversation took place in bastardised Hindi)
Wenerd: Put the meter boss.
Taxi driver: [silence]
W: What the hell!!! Put the meter on now.
TD: You want to travel with meter

The taxi driver stopped the car and shoveled us into another taxi whose driver agreed to use the meter.

W: We want to go to Bandra
New TD: You have to show me the way.
W: What shit? Where are you from?
[After travelling for a while]
TD: Should I turn here?
W: Don't you even know this? You call yourself a taxi driver!!!
TD: Cool down saab.
W: Useless fellow.

Wenerd then generally abused him all the way to his house. But to give him credit, he also praised them for their good work during the floods etc. You see, he is a hard but just slave master.

I saw more examples of his slave master mentality over the course of the next few days which was also observed by Zen. (BTW, Zen showed up the next day and we picked him up late from the airport because Wenerd wasted a lot of time rolling a joint for us to smoke in the taxi.)

Wenerd has a slave who cleans his house and washes his clothes. This is normal. What shocked me was that he also ordered her to make some kheema and chicken curry with nan for three. Milk, bread and other groceries were delivered to his house. Even cigarettes and booze. On Sunday night, we ended up going to a restaurant after it had closed. But we were soon approached by a little slaver boy who took our order and delivered the meal to the apartment. This is fucking brilliant!!! Only disappointment was when he told me that kaya is not delivered to his house and his slave lady will not roll joints.

But the greatest thing I took away from Wenerd, besides the framed copy of an autographed Knopfler CD, was a new swear word... CUNTPIECE!!!

Wenerd, you rule...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Fart

Zeminky was contemplating the infinite emptiness of his mind as his apartment lift was descending. He let out a loud and satisfying fart as he was prone to do so in moments of such contemplation. It was then that he noticed his petite and cute neighbor, whom he always meant to hit on, standing in the other corner of the lift. He gave her a sheepish grin and apologized. She looked up at him and asked, "For what"? Zeminky was shocked. He could not fathom the fact that his fart had lost its power. So like he always did when he was confused, he decided to be rude to the girl.

"What's your name?", he asked. "Anal", she replied.
"Ha ha, is that all? Where is the rest of your name?", he countered.

Anal turned away and thought to herself that he must be one of those Indian louts from Jharkhand. The lift had reached the ground floor and Zeminky started to walk away feeling very pleased. It was at this moment that he tripped over his own feet, the clumsy bastard he is. Anal seized the moment and kicked him on his ass with her pointy heels. This sent Zeminky sprawling. "What the hell", he thought as he saw Anal walk away from his vantage point on the ground. He could not understand why he was being treated so shabbily. He then picked himself up, decided to blame it all on Khemcho, walked to his car and got lost on his way to work.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

after sometime it would sound like " mara mara mara" which in hindi means "die die die"

The travelling circus consists of five Indians who live in Eastern North America They meet over long weekends and holidays such as Thanksgiving. The group’s meetings primarily consist of drinking and conversation,while other friends come and go. The group is gifted in its ability to make each other the butt of jokes, creating, a rather comfortable milieu that even temporary participants and passers-by tend to enjoy. Some are more gifted in narratives and story-telling, some more so, in plain old verbal abuse.
Comic narratives form a large chunk of the conversation in this group’s meetings. The stories are also primarily about the circus members themselves and in making fun of each other through these stories that are told and retold, they confirm the the group’s solidarity.
The circus itself consists of two female undergraduate students Khemcho and coriandersalamander and three fools zen, Kogi and minky. (minky, unfortunately, is missing.) They are all gathered in an average college student living room, conversing while kogi, the designated bartender has provided everyone with White Russians. The dynamics of this gathering are partly moulded by the relationships. The goal of the conversation is pure entertainment, or, the conversation itself, while the topics revolve around the participants. While becker's "vision of sanity" may not be evident...The goal lies perhaps, in what Tannen describes as “the emotional/aesthetic experience of a perfectly tuned conversation” where every circus memeber has a distinct role:

Kogi: OK. I shall describe. what happened.
khemcho: haaaaahahaahaha ha ha ha and salamander: mmmhehehe
. zen: And I'll have to tell you the truth aaafter that.
Kogi: oh fuck off da.
barkingmouse: Oooh so it was with you ?
zen:yaah (morosely)
(khemcho hhaaahahaaahaaaaahaaaahclap haa clapp ha)
. barkingmouse: okay. Tell me
. Kogi: Man, I am not going to say any lies da.
She was really... you were...she was drunk out of her mind. She passed out.
. Zen(interrupts): NO. The difference is not that she was paaassed out. but that she didn'twantto move.
. Kogi: Ya. So..
. zen: (interrupts again) you know when like people are passed you pick them up and they like flop and you can carry them?
. kogi: She was like that. (imitates a stiff fetal position, sitting up)
(Both kogi and zen, kogi glows, is fetal and looks retarded)
. zen: She rolled over and she was like that (imitates stiff fetal position horizontally) and so I am trying to scoop her up. And so, I'm trying to carry her but she's still in this V! and she is slipping.
(barkingmousehehahahahaha barkbark)
Kogi: So, all of a sudden I am coming out and I see Zen carrying this girl and she is like this (imitates stiff position again)
. zen: and you know when you carry some one they are like that and kind of you know and they plop (imitating). So I was trying to hold her head and her knees. But, then I am doing that (showing action) because then her head will loll and then you know she is like slipping down
Kogi: you know her spine is not a problem it is basically 'this V shape. And then after a point zen maaakes it to the bedroom and I hear this sound: DADDDADDDUDDDUM
I said, “what happened?”
and he goes, "Machaan, I just dropped her da"
zen:And again so I yeah I had managed to get her head on to the bed which was the important thing and then I dropped her
khemcho(who is now awake): and the best is Minky and Kogi...these guys they are not even bothering to ...they are just watching
. zen(interrupting): and they are watching like that (imitates retarded bemused expression)
(everyone laughs)
.Kogi: No da, but, the worst thing I think I ever did to you was sitting next to you and clapping and laughing, while you were puking ...

feels good to be hear...thankyou.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

I got the damn visa stamped!!!

The desi motherchuths at the Embassy... the assasin Lone Wolf and Cub is coming for you.

The guy who took my interview was an ABCD. He was thankfully chill about me not having my Temple Univ degree with me. He asked strange questions like... "Philly!!! Have you been to any Temple basketball games? Do you like to drink in South Street?"

So my "daughters", Khemcho and sister, I will be back to terrorize you.

Zeminky, I look forward to taking up my role again as Noburu Wataya of jacket defilers.

Zen, looks like the travelling circus will be visiting Toronto soon.

Sambar, I will soon join you again in a state of Xen.

Space Cadet, we shall see "In the mood for love" over some fine kaya.

Salamander you did not do your saaxy "ek do teen" dance number for me and now you have another chance.

Now to chill the motherfucker down...

Monday, December 05, 2005

who's the criminal mastermind..?

Well, I'll tell you who its not..


I went to watch a movie today. And as it ended, I noticed another movie was starting up in the next cinema. Eager to be cheap and not pay for a second ticket, and indulge in some victimless crime, I pondered on the job for a few seconds while in the loo, and then snuck into the second movie..


Except that even this act raised my heart rate. I couldnt figure out how I could be caught (except for some gestapo style random ticket check at the cinema.. which never happens).. but still.. I could almost hear the Mission Impossible theme playing in my head as I walked into the second movie..

"your mission, should you choose to accept it..."

I'm obviously not cut out to be Ethan Hunte just quite yet.

Bummer.. guess I'll have to stay a damn upstanding citizen after all.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

My first few days in blessed Chennai

Drove out of the airport and was hit with the fine aroma of fermented piss.

Looks like I will be spending most mornings with my head stuck with needles. Acupuncture rules!!!

It’s a myth that you can no longer drive in India once you are used to driving in the US of A.

Showed middle finger to a cop. It felt so good.

Swore at an auto-rickshaw driver in Tamil. That felt even better. I am sure he was wondering why I was laughing at the end of tirade.

You can STILL drive on the opposite side of the road and it does not cause much concern.

1 veg thali, molaguthani soup, 1 non-veg special thali, mutton fry, lime juice... cost = $5.21 = Awesome!!!

My dad still uses his phantom break when he is in the car with me. Our roles are reversed now… “Let’s go to Landmark, buy some books and then eat some ice-cream”

My mother still thinks that I am a virgin.

I now live in fear of being abducted by mosquitoes...

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The Man at the Mann

I love all of the people
Yes I share the feast
So drink up my wine
And the song in my bones
I know the way
I can see by the moonlight
Clear as the day
Now come on
Come follow me home 1

A bespectacled, balding, 55 year old man ambled onto the stage wearing sneakers, jeans and a t-shirt and took the Mann Center by storm for two hours. To many he will always be the front man of Dire Straits but for me Mark Knopfler can be whatever he chooses to be.

For 2 hours he held me and the rest of crowd at the Mann enthralled by being electrifying, sublime, effortless and intense all at the same time. Nonchalantly switching guitars in mid song to play the finale for Sailing to Philadelphia just showed that he was the sensei of the chill. Listening to him belt out Sultans of Swing, Telegraph Road , Brothers in Arms was like taking a walk down memory lane for me. Ah sweet melancholy...

...cos I've run every red light on memory lane... 2

In contrast to the Dylan concert yesterday, Knopfler clearly showed that you don’t need to rework the entire song to make it seem fresh. All you have to do is tweak and extend. My only complaint…I wish he had played longer and that Wenerd was there.

1. Follow Me Home - Dire Straits
2. Telegraph Road - Dire Straits

Dylan is dead

Zeminky : Go to the Dylan concert we must.
Kogi Kaishakunin: No!!!! Suck he does live.
Zen: Old he is and die he shall soon. Go we must…

And we went to watch him at the Yogi Berra stadium in Montclair, NJ. After fighting traffic on the Garden State parkway, stuffing a camera into a shoe, and an argument with a drunk obnoxious 60 year old juvenile, we waited for Dylan to show up at the stadium. Willie Nelson was the opening act and he did his honky-tonk bit and then the abomination started. It was almost as if Dylan wanted to take the soul out of every song and throw the remains of the ghost to the crowd. Blind Willie McTell and Woody Guthrie must be squirming in their graves while Dylan plays live these days. Like a Rolling Stone was echoing back at him...

Now you don’t talk so loud
Now you don’t seem so proud…

I had come hoping he would play “Vision of Johanna”. I would have killed him if he had. This was one concert where I prayed the band would not return for the encore. But they did...

Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel
Is just the freight train coming your way 1

If you guys want to listen to Dylan go for a Joan Baez or Peter, Paul & Mary concert. Thankfully the Man showed up at the Mann the next day and made up for everything.

1. No Leaf Clover - Metallica

Monday, June 13, 2005

The Girl with Kaleidescope Eyes

"To me, to me", I screamed.
"To the sea, to the sea", she cried.

A stone is thrown into a lake. It sinks to the bottom causing no ripples. The pond does not know about the stone.

There are no sides. There is no left or right, top or bottom, front or back. Dying is the only way to float free. 1

I walked into the ocean...

And the waves washed my tears and the wind my memories. 2

1. "The Wind-up bird chronicle" - Haruki Marukami
2. "Skellig" - Loreena Mckennitt

Monday, May 23, 2005

From cave man to comp guy

Somewhere along the way we went from being fire-making, hunter-gathering, animal taming men to the nacho-eating, grande latte drinking, videogame playing blokes. And the closest we come to being 'animal' (outside of rare moments in the sexual arena) is when we're killing alien-zombie hybrids on a ring shaped planet on Halo. Or is it... ? When mulling on this very question, I came upon another string of analogies...

(and I apologise if this seems to be the style of all my blogs.. how is A like B?)

Is the pride from connecting all the cables in our complicated music-tv-dvd systems and programming the VCR what remains of the joy of building that cave fire? And is that manly feeling from roasting meat on the barbeque whats left over of the primitive hunter? And is the urge to drive giant trucks what passes for taming wild horses? *

* This applies to many truck like vehicles.. but not for red corvettes.. which is just a man's way of saying "I have a really small penis and need to compensate".

Saturday, May 14, 2005

kids and crack

In keeping with the general theme of my blogs, I'll probably live to regret saying this.. but here goes... A little while ago, and perhaps under the influence of substances of a dubious nature, i made an interesting realization.

Having a kid is like developing a crack habit.

"What is this blasphemous bollocks he spouts?" I hear you say.. but hear me out. So what do crackheads and parents have in common?

1. Most of their days are spent thinking about their habit
2. Most their money is spent on sustaining their habit
3. They drift off from their old friends and start to hang out with other people who have the same habit
4. They stop leading the full lives they had before in order to make more time for their habit
5. After sustaining the habit for a long time, they are left shells of the people they used to be..

A somewhat cynical approach some would say. But there you go.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Of countless cups of French vanilla and hopeless diets

So here I am burning midnight oil most nights... not for myself, but to stay awake and keep people I know company. Lately I have wondering if its more difficult to have a successful career - you know- like work hard at getting ahead in the rat race- make tonnes of money which you have time to spend... or live the good life by not having all that success and money to deal with... who am I kidding. They are both bloody tough... now ofcourse we all wish we had the best of both worlds and I am sure that is possible... when you figure it out let me know- and let me make the money!

I watched I am Sam (yes finally) and cried buckets of tears (no surprises there as usual!) and agreed on the simple theory (that most email forwards propagate- ) Live each day as though it were your last. Hell then I wouldn't have to worry bout saving and holidays in the Caribbean or more realistically what to cook for dinner or losing weight!!

Is this a woman thing... to not be happy with the present always looking for 'improvement' and not living in the moment? ok- don't answer that!

Right now I am all geared up to change the world and find a recipe for whirled peas.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Mark Knopfler in town

March 5th 1930 hrs at Bandra-Kurla complex, a dream will come alive. not with dire straits though. some numbers that will be played - calling elvis, walk of life, heavy fuel, what it is, R&J, sultans, money for nothing, so far away, on every street, brothers in arms, pyroman, done with bonaparte, junkie doll, prairie wedding, speedway at nazareth, telegraph road, and hopefully 'once upon in a time in the west'.

Will be well prepared. Good time for you guys to come down.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Whats Quentin Tarantino doing here

Chungking express - Takeshi Kaneshiro, Tony Leung, Brigitte Lin, Faye Wong

Watched the movie last week. directed by this guy called Wong Kar-Wai based out of HK. heard a lot about this and other movies he had made from a person who has been hunting for a very long time for the Chungking. had briefly attempted seeing another movie of his called 'happy together' a while back (the viewing got aborted minutes into it).

been thinking about the Chungking and couldnt really figure what was about it that clicked. suppose the randomness. today, came across what sofia coppola had to say about 'lost in translation' - "i like movies that aren't so much story-driven, but you feel like you are in place". very apt for Chungking.

super visuals, great photography, cool acting. a knack of capturing the normality of a few people's lives - to the extent that one gets the feeling that the story is being created as the movie goes along. the script did get written a few hours before each days shoot! and a bonus: a very craftly compiled sound track - all of 3 songs thats continously played. very slick.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Million Dollar Baby

I am sure that many people went to view this film to see the acting of Hilary Swank as a 32 year old boxer. A lot of you would have gone because you were die hard Eastwood fans. I went because I wanted to hear the voice of Morgan Freeman. His voice as Red hypnotized and captivated me many years ago in Shawshank Redemption. It did not fail to do so again. I can’t count the number of times when I am feeling down and out with no end in sight, I hear Red saying in my head, “I hope I can make it across the border... I hope to see my friend and shake his hand... I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams... I hope...