Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The 3 Unwise Men of the East

Keeping with holiday spirit, albeit belated, this is homage to smaller flashes in larger constellations.

THEY were the 3 unwise men of the east, pretending to be otherwise;
Ze En , who bore flowery syntax and dead pans,
Ze Kke who bore ancient lyrics and melancholy , and
Ze Munky who generally bored himself. Their song went like this ..

We three things of orient are,
Swearing wits, we traverse afar
Tap and fountain, moor and mountain
Seeking a perfect bar.....

Although if you watered Ze Kke enough, he might sing
Well, I got here following the southern star,
I crossed that river just to be where we are..

At which Ze Munky would panic, 'Where's my cloak..(temporary incoherence)..did you burn incense near it again..'

With his dead pan, Ze En said, 'Relax, man.Where are the camels heading though?Maybe we should call, and wake up the salamander and ask''.

Ze Munky would simply blink his pretty lashes, and giggle, hoping it would get him in the clear again and that he wouldn't have to, heaven forbid, think of directions. Yahoo maps were much later you see. 'He he he.I didn't listen to the candle, so no.He he he. That was funny.He he he.Everything's funny. He he. But we can always go to the next star and turn around...'

'Please shut up.' said Ze Kke. 'I think you should give me your cloak and ride my camel for me. It is the only reason we asked you to come along anyway.'

'Dont say that, da.' said Ze En. ' I love him. And I love you too. Didn't you get my card?' He kisses Ze Munky tenderly on the cheek, who winces, then blushes.

Through a cloud of incense smoke, Ze Kke excitedly said ' No da, I want spooning.I want to see some spooning also. Can we have some spooning?'

'Be calm, Ze Kke. This is what we will do, ' said Ze En. He proceeded to lift the horrified Ze Munky's cloak till the bare skin (gasp) of his back could be seen.On it, glowing in the moonlight, was a detailed, anal map....

Which is why there were digarette butts and empty water bottles found near the manger.

And the rest is herstory.On that note, season's beatings and happy cold beer.

Friday, December 23, 2005


Fact is stranger than fiction indeed...

Kerela has a political party known as the Democratic Indira Congress (Karunakaran) or DIC(K) for short.

I suspect the head of the party is known as the DIC(K) head.

The headline read " DIC(K) prevents UDP from joining local bodies".... !!!! Make of that what you will.

On a related political note, I saw the caption to a photo on the cover of a Bombay newspaper a few days ago that read "Thackarey ponders while his aides confabulate behind him".. was that a subversive reporter or just some schmuck using a big word?

(Confabulate: verb: 1. To chat. 2. To fill in gaps in one's memory with fabrications that one believes to be facts)

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Wenerd the slave master

Wenerd is my friend. He lives in Mumbai. He is a slave master and I am jealous of him.

I was in Mumbai this past weekend (Dec 17th - 20th) visiting Wenerd for a few days and then flew back down to Chennai with Zen. Wenerd promptly picked me up from the airport and shoved me into a taxi. He immediately started arguing with the taxi driver. This was when I first saw his slave master side.

(The following conversation took place in bastardised Hindi)
Wenerd: Put the meter boss.
Taxi driver: [silence]
W: What the hell!!! Put the meter on now.
TD: You want to travel with meter

The taxi driver stopped the car and shoveled us into another taxi whose driver agreed to use the meter.

W: We want to go to Bandra
New TD: You have to show me the way.
W: What shit? Where are you from?
[After travelling for a while]
TD: Should I turn here?
W: Don't you even know this? You call yourself a taxi driver!!!
TD: Cool down saab.
W: Useless fellow.

Wenerd then generally abused him all the way to his house. But to give him credit, he also praised them for their good work during the floods etc. You see, he is a hard but just slave master.

I saw more examples of his slave master mentality over the course of the next few days which was also observed by Zen. (BTW, Zen showed up the next day and we picked him up late from the airport because Wenerd wasted a lot of time rolling a joint for us to smoke in the taxi.)

Wenerd has a slave who cleans his house and washes his clothes. This is normal. What shocked me was that he also ordered her to make some kheema and chicken curry with nan for three. Milk, bread and other groceries were delivered to his house. Even cigarettes and booze. On Sunday night, we ended up going to a restaurant after it had closed. But we were soon approached by a little slaver boy who took our order and delivered the meal to the apartment. This is fucking brilliant!!! Only disappointment was when he told me that kaya is not delivered to his house and his slave lady will not roll joints.

But the greatest thing I took away from Wenerd, besides the framed copy of an autographed Knopfler CD, was a new swear word... CUNTPIECE!!!

Wenerd, you rule...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Fart

Zeminky was contemplating the infinite emptiness of his mind as his apartment lift was descending. He let out a loud and satisfying fart as he was prone to do so in moments of such contemplation. It was then that he noticed his petite and cute neighbor, whom he always meant to hit on, standing in the other corner of the lift. He gave her a sheepish grin and apologized. She looked up at him and asked, "For what"? Zeminky was shocked. He could not fathom the fact that his fart had lost its power. So like he always did when he was confused, he decided to be rude to the girl.

"What's your name?", he asked. "Anal", she replied.
"Ha ha, is that all? Where is the rest of your name?", he countered.

Anal turned away and thought to herself that he must be one of those Indian louts from Jharkhand. The lift had reached the ground floor and Zeminky started to walk away feeling very pleased. It was at this moment that he tripped over his own feet, the clumsy bastard he is. Anal seized the moment and kicked him on his ass with her pointy heels. This sent Zeminky sprawling. "What the hell", he thought as he saw Anal walk away from his vantage point on the ground. He could not understand why he was being treated so shabbily. He then picked himself up, decided to blame it all on Khemcho, walked to his car and got lost on his way to work.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

after sometime it would sound like " mara mara mara" which in hindi means "die die die"

The travelling circus consists of five Indians who live in Eastern North America They meet over long weekends and holidays such as Thanksgiving. The group’s meetings primarily consist of drinking and conversation,while other friends come and go. The group is gifted in its ability to make each other the butt of jokes, creating, a rather comfortable milieu that even temporary participants and passers-by tend to enjoy. Some are more gifted in narratives and story-telling, some more so, in plain old verbal abuse.
Comic narratives form a large chunk of the conversation in this group’s meetings. The stories are also primarily about the circus members themselves and in making fun of each other through these stories that are told and retold, they confirm the the group’s solidarity.
The circus itself consists of two female undergraduate students Khemcho and coriandersalamander and three fools zen, Kogi and minky. (minky, unfortunately, is missing.) They are all gathered in an average college student living room, conversing while kogi, the designated bartender has provided everyone with White Russians. The dynamics of this gathering are partly moulded by the relationships. The goal of the conversation is pure entertainment, or, the conversation itself, while the topics revolve around the participants. While becker's "vision of sanity" may not be evident...The goal lies perhaps, in what Tannen describes as “the emotional/aesthetic experience of a perfectly tuned conversation” where every circus memeber has a distinct role:

Kogi: OK. I shall describe. what happened.
khemcho: haaaaahahaahaha ha ha ha and salamander: mmmhehehe
. zen: And I'll have to tell you the truth aaafter that.
Kogi: oh fuck off da.
barkingmouse: Oooh so it was with you ?
zen:yaah (morosely)
(khemcho hhaaahahaaahaaaaahaaaahclap haa clapp ha)
. barkingmouse: okay. Tell me
. Kogi: Man, I am not going to say any lies da.
She was really... you were...she was drunk out of her mind. She passed out.
. Zen(interrupts): NO. The difference is not that she was paaassed out. but that she didn'twantto move.
. Kogi: Ya. So..
. zen: (interrupts again) you know when like people are passed you pick them up and they like flop and you can carry them?
. kogi: She was like that. (imitates a stiff fetal position, sitting up)
(Both kogi and zen, kogi glows, is fetal and looks retarded)
. zen: She rolled over and she was like that (imitates stiff fetal position horizontally) and so I am trying to scoop her up. And so, I'm trying to carry her but she's still in this V! and she is slipping.
(barkingmousehehahahahaha barkbark)
Kogi: So, all of a sudden I am coming out and I see Zen carrying this girl and she is like this (imitates stiff position again)
. zen: and you know when you carry some one they are like that and kind of you know and they plop (imitating). So I was trying to hold her head and her knees. But, then I am doing that (showing action) because then her head will loll and then you know she is like slipping down
Kogi: you know her spine is not a problem it is basically 'this V shape. And then after a point zen maaakes it to the bedroom and I hear this sound: DADDDADDDUDDDUM
I said, “what happened?”
and he goes, "Machaan, I just dropped her da"
zen:And again so I yeah I had managed to get her head on to the bed which was the important thing and then I dropped her
khemcho(who is now awake): and the best is Minky and Kogi...these guys they are not even bothering to ...they are just watching
. zen(interrupting): and they are watching like that (imitates retarded bemused expression)
(everyone laughs)
.Kogi: No da, but, the worst thing I think I ever did to you was sitting next to you and clapping and laughing, while you were puking ...

feels good to be hear...thankyou.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

I got the damn visa stamped!!!

The desi motherchuths at the Embassy... the assasin Lone Wolf and Cub is coming for you.

The guy who took my interview was an ABCD. He was thankfully chill about me not having my Temple Univ degree with me. He asked strange questions like... "Philly!!! Have you been to any Temple basketball games? Do you like to drink in South Street?"

So my "daughters", Khemcho and sister, I will be back to terrorize you.

Zeminky, I look forward to taking up my role again as Noburu Wataya of jacket defilers.

Zen, looks like the travelling circus will be visiting Toronto soon.

Sambar, I will soon join you again in a state of Xen.

Space Cadet, we shall see "In the mood for love" over some fine kaya.

Salamander you did not do your saaxy "ek do teen" dance number for me and now you have another chance.

Now to chill the motherfucker down...

Monday, December 05, 2005

who's the criminal mastermind..?

Well, I'll tell you who its not..


I went to watch a movie today. And as it ended, I noticed another movie was starting up in the next cinema. Eager to be cheap and not pay for a second ticket, and indulge in some victimless crime, I pondered on the job for a few seconds while in the loo, and then snuck into the second movie..


Except that even this act raised my heart rate. I couldnt figure out how I could be caught (except for some gestapo style random ticket check at the cinema.. which never happens).. but still.. I could almost hear the Mission Impossible theme playing in my head as I walked into the second movie..

"your mission, should you choose to accept it..."

I'm obviously not cut out to be Ethan Hunte just quite yet.

Bummer.. guess I'll have to stay a damn upstanding citizen after all.